2:00 A.M.
My eyes jolt awake. My heart starts pumping faster. My head is killing me. Why did I wake up so early? I close my eyes and attempt to go to sleep, but I can feel my body is already awake. I haven’t slept well for years. I throw off my clothes, and hope one of my brothers don’t come in sometime between now and sunrise to see my exposed body. I jump up, open a window, and crack open my worn copy of “The Strangers” by Albert Camus. It’s useless; my head hurts too much to read even my favorite book. Math runs through my head—shit! I forgot to do my math homework last night. The shaming, sinking feeling in my heart is so familiar to me. “Can I go back to sleep now?” My brain was begging my heart, but my heart ignored it. Fair enough; my brain often ignored my heart. A deep sadness flooded my body. Am I depressed because I don’t sleep, or do I not sleep because I’m depressed? Should I go get somebody? No, the feelings aren’t too strong tonight. I’m sweating. It’s 20 degrees outside and I’m completely naked, but I still sweat like a high athlete. I begin to feel feint. My mind goes as blank as the white paint on my bedroom walls. Thoughts I shouldn’t have crowd my brain. Where is a God when you need one?
2:01 A.M.
