Monthly Archives: November 2012

I am too weak to emote my words. I am sorry. I am sorry for hurting you, for making you seem unimportant and meaningless in my life when its actually the opposite, for ignoring you, for being a know-it-all abrasive bitch, for being selfish, for acting like I don’t care, for disappointing you, for blaming you, for killing your happiness and my own, for all the misplaced anger, for all the things I couldn’t say. We think after we beg for forgiveness we will fix all of our errs but in reality we just create more, as we get older the extent our mistakes just grow and we dig ourselves into even deeper holes.

I will ne­­ver be alone.

I have the pounding reminder of your existence,

the ringing shrill in my head.

The voice of reason.

The voice that haunts.

I walk with the knowledge that plagues me,

I carry it with me.

I carry it all.

My life, my soul, changes every day

but the ringing ceases to stop.

What is found cannot be lost

Haunted.

Plagued.

Usually, I’m fine, I get out of bed and move on with my day, but there’s those times when everything hurts and it seems like there’s nothing left. The days between grow longer, and happiness stays for more and more but the pain and longing is still there, deep below all the moments of everyday life.

Wake up… Get dressed… walk to the store.

Scan in Say hello, grab a draw

20,60,80 100…

Guess Im ready…

I’m 103.

no more no less.

For the next 9 hours that’s all I’ll be.

Next can step over please.

It’s the same routine

one after the other

“Hello, How are you?”

I say

“How are you” they respond.

But that is not an appropriate response!
You cannot answer a question with the same question

Do people even Listen to me?

deep breath

relax

“Thank you have a nice day”

Next can step over please

I ring up their items

I put them in the bags

but never the way they want

They throw money at me

and place it on the moving converybelt

I dive to grab it before it rolls under forever to be lost.

They look at me and ask “Well why does it move”

I stare at them in disbelief. It’s a converybelt I think

thats what it was made to do.

I smile, I apologize. Thank you for coming, have a nice day.

Next can step over please

One after the other

after the other… after the other…

the same routine, everyday.

It’s clocking out time.

I hand in my draw.

I am back to being me

I am Crystal not 103.

Damn school stinks. Like I wake up every morning to take a long ass train ride to Baruch College. All I want to do is what I want to do. I just want to eat halal and a play basketball. Thats it. Im just playing but seriously Hala food is really good.I want to do stuff that I enjoy doing. Not sitting in class everyday learning about logs that I will never have to use for the rest of my life. Or better yet listen to my pain in the neck music professor who thinks we all love Mozart and Operas. My Anthropology professor loves to talk about herself and all her “anthropologic” accomplishments while noone even cares. I just want to have fun. I’m 18 years old and want to things that I enjoy doin without anyone telling me otherwise.

I sat there drinking my coffee. It gave me a cozy feeling, holding the mug as it warmed up my cold hands. The kind of warmth that spreads through your entire being. For those several moments, everything feels so pleasant, out of harm’s reach. I sat there, wondering through my thoughts.  Til it hit me off guard. There was a crack in the mug. Someone had put it back together. Sure, it works.. sure it gets the job done..sure it seems perfectly fine, but it will never be what it used to. It was a broken mug; no matter how many people drank from it, denying that it was flawed, trying to see past it… I knew the truth, and no matter how many times it could break and is put back together,  it’ll never ever ever be back to its original form. It was then that I started to look around me, and I started to wonder, and my heart started to feel heavy, filling with emotion, nervously trying to swallow it down, to make the feeling go away. How many people do we pass everyday, interact with everyday, talk to everyday? Do we see the cracks they hide? Why do people pretend they’re okay when they’re not? Pretending that those cracks aren’t there, making believe they don’t exist. How could we be so oblivious to it? The people we love, the people we would do anything for, filled with so much pain. The people that give us those cozy feelings, the ones that warm up our cold hands. The kind of warmth that spreads through your entire being. And when you’re with them, for those several moments, everything feels so pleasant, out of harm’s reach.

Damn I could use a drink. You ever just say that to yourself sometimes at random times. I think we can all use a drink.
And by drink I do mean alcohol, not like water or something. I say everyone reading this or hearing this should get up go to the store buy some type of alcohol and drink. Lets all be drunk today and enjoy life. Ahhhhh that taste good doesn’t it? Im not like an alcoholic but I do like to drink. People that don’t drink always surprise me, they’re like Ooooo I don’t drink and im like ehhhhhhhhhh sure sure. Remember there’s nothing wrong with drinking if it makes you feel good. Who ever says other wise can go well you know. Drink up kidssssss.

Followers on social media

Do they really matter in the climb to stardom

Well self proposed stardom

I never thought a number mattered

I just thought posting my own thoughts online

Would never get me anywhere

But I was wrong

People message me every day

“You’re a huge inspiration to me”

“I look up to you so much”

“I wish I could have your life”

Is this what fame is

People loving you, when they don’t even know you?

People coming up to you at events,

Saying they love what you write on your twitter,

And your blog.

I don’t think any of that even matters

It’s like I’ve always been “famous”

Fame comes from the inside, not the outside

If you feel famous on the inside, the rest will come

I walk down the street like a star,

Until that lie becomes the truth.

I’m becoming my own self fulfilled prophecy.

Ramsha Suhail
Monologue
A random man in a suit starts walking very fast alongside me. “You should smile more often.” I think to myself “I’m getting late for my interview” and start walking faster, determined to avoid any further conversation. “You look very driven! You know I used to be a bank manager!” thankfully the subway station comes into view and I disappear inside. I guess I should admit that the New Yorker attitude has gotten to me, even after spending a year abroad, in beautiful Dubai!
My dad had decided that, for the experience, he would send me abroad for a year, and I chose Dubai as the place to be sent to, because, well, it’s Dubai! Underwater hotels, the tallest building in the world, ice skating rinks at the mall, you name it, Dubai is amazing. I relaxed through my entire year, learned to play polo and live the good life, because it was possible! My senior year of high school, I was introduced to so many new people, and at some point during the year, I started missing home. I didn’t have that same feeling, even with all the luxury, as I did in New York City. They say it is truly the greatest city in the world. My time spent in Dubai made me realize that it is up to me alone to decide if I want to go further in my life and to take advantage of every single opportunity that comes my way, no matter how small. It’s incredible how much you wish for things when they aren’t there. My grandfather’s death during that time left a message – that I had to do something special, for him, as we had an extremely close relationship.
My grandfather is probably also where I got my love for writing from. I write poetry whenever I feel a strong rush of emotion and it helps, tremendously. It’s like a catharsis, and it never fails to work. I have not published anything; its mostly personal writing so I guess I’ll have to wait a while before I’m ready to share it with the world.
Traveling, if you haven’t guessed, is one of the things I’m very passionate about. I have documented my travels to cities in Europe, the United States, and Asia. I have yet to explore Africa, a close friend has invited me to Cape Cod so I’m looking forward to that this summer. Traveling allows me to de-stress and explore places I’m not familiar with. Usually, I take friends to sample the touristy spots and restaurants and I’ve compiled a list of the best places for many things in the various cities I’ve traveled to. It is loads of fun and never gets exhausting.
I guess I consider myself a serious person, which I figured out my first day back in New York. I tend to have a black-and-white perspective when focusing on my goals, which leaves very little room for failure. I’m serious about my family, my future, animal rights and helping to change another person’s life in some way, because that’s one step closer to changing the world, as cliché as that might sound. I don’t really tend to smile when I’m heading to a certain destination, especially when there’s a high chance I’ll be late. But life is a beautiful thing, and there’s so much to smile about, I do agree. I like to believe that nearly nothing is impossible and there are ample opportunities in our life to improve ourselves, every day.

2:00 A.M.

My eyes jolt awake. My heart starts pumping faster. My head is killing me. Why did I wake up so early? I close my eyes and attempt to go to sleep, but I can feel my body is already awake. I haven’t slept well for years. I throw off my clothes, and hope one of my brothers don’t come in sometime between now and sunrise to see my exposed body. I jump up, open a window, and crack open my worn copy of “The Strangers” by Albert Camus. It’s useless; my head hurts too much to read even my favorite book. Math runs through my head—shit! I forgot to do my math homework last night. The shaming, sinking feeling in my heart is so familiar to me. “Can I go back to sleep now?” My brain was begging my heart, but my heart ignored it. Fair enough; my brain often ignored my heart. A deep sadness flooded my body. Am I depressed because I don’t sleep, or do I not sleep because I’m depressed? Should I go get somebody? No, the feelings aren’t too strong tonight. I’m sweating. It’s 20 degrees outside and I’m completely naked, but I still sweat like a high athlete. I begin to feel feint. My mind goes as blank as the white paint on my bedroom walls. Thoughts I shouldn’t have crowd my brain. Where is a God when you need one?

2:01 A.M.

My name is Gabriella. I am 18 years old and I am currently attending Baruch College. At first I was really debating whether or not to attend CUNY Queens or CUNY Baruch. Queens would have been the easier choice with regards to transportation. In the end I decided that Baruch would be a better fit for my intended major. I hope that one day I will become a Certified Public Accountant.

My favorite color is pink, I have four dogs and I like to play various sports. I have two older sisters who are juniors in college, one attending CUNY York and the other CUNY Queens. I also have a younger brother who is in his last year of elementary school. I was told that college will be the best years of my life; I guess this statement is really what you make of it. I am looking forward to getting involved in activities and clubs on campus.

I am hoping to meet new people and make lasting friendships. Keeping up a dedicated work ethic may become difficult at times, but I believe that we are all capable of doing our best. I am looking forward to the future for college thus far has been a new beginning.

My Monologue (Stephanie Calamia) <— I don’t know how this whole blog thing works or if my name shows up without me including it so there it is.

Many people ask me how I ended up at Baruch and why I didn’t choose to dorm at a school far, far away. The main reason I chose to attend Baruch is because it is not too long of a commute, it is a great school, and it is fairly inexpensive; so my parents loved it. I often wonder what it would be like to dorm at a school in the middle of nowhere, such as West Virginia University, nothing against that school, but I sometimes wonder why half of my graduating class went there. Yeah it is ranked one of the best party schools, but it is literally in the middle of nowhere. Completely surrounded by farms. I would not survive in a place where it takes 2 hours to arrive at the nearest coffee shop, which of course isn’t Starbucks. That is one of the reasons why I love the city, everywhere you turn, there is a Starbucks. If you haven’t noticed by now I sort of love coffee, it’s how I’ve survived so far in college.

My transition from high school to college wasn’t too bad…except for the fact that I didn’t sleep a single night in August because of how much I was thinking about school, some nerves, some excitement but mostly it was because I had no idea what to expect. You always hear people saying that college is so different from high school and there is so much more work but you do not fully realize it until you are actually in college, trust me. I was fairly shocked when I came to the realization that I like Baruch…a lot, and the commute really isn’t as terrible as people say it is, I get tons of reading and homework done during that hour. And I didn’t think I would make such good friends, I figured since many people at Baruch come from all over they’d want to just go to class and go home, but it’s not like that at all.

Ok now it’s time to get serious, career talk is always the worst when you don’t know what you want to do. When you’re little you always picture yourself as a lawyer or a doctor or an astronaut and some of these are just silly childhood dreams but some people actually know what they are interested in from a relatively young age. When I was pretty young I wanted to be a veterinarian because I love animals, but my sister started telling me that if I became a veterinarian I’d have to stick my hand down crocodile’s throats and horrific stuff like that, so that phase passed pretty quickly. I honestly don’t know exactly what I want to do, and my parents suggested that since I have no idea what I want to do and I enjoy math (up until this semester,) why not go into finance and if you’re good at what you do you’ll be swimming in money. And come on, who doesn’t want that? They 100% have my best interest at heart because they want me to be successful and not have any financial problems in the future but I realized that I don’t want to sit in a cubicle and work with numbers all day, it seems tedious to me. I’d rather wait a little and keep exploring classes and possible career choices and whatnot until I find something that I would enjoy and that will allow me to financially support myself with no difficulty. But I still have time and there are a few subjects I am very interested in so I’m not worried.

Overall I’d say coming to Baruch was a great idea, I’m really enjoying it and the city…and the coffee.

The End.