I chose this gif because it illustrates how stressed out and confused I was (and still am) during my first months at Baruch. The classes that I’m taking have been interesting and fun, but also tremendously stressful. I found myself with so much free time and yet, no time at all. So many deadlines…

I met a lot of smart, amazing people who knew what they wanted to do for the next four years… and it made me feel small in comparison because I don’t have a definite plan. I mean, I’ve thought about it. I just haven’t decided yet. There are so many different paths I could take and it would please my parents, but there’s only one specific path that can make me happy. Hopefully, I find it soon.

I have a lot of conflicting emotions about it.

So I summed it all up in a poem. Read at your own leisure (or don’t).

I’m stumbling down, down a rabbit hole.

Then I’m upright, having nowhere to go.

I know what I want, yet I have no clue.

I’m sleeping, I’m awake. It’s all old, but I’m new.

I’m staring at nothing. Nothing is staring back.

I’m gaining something, but there’s another thing I lack.

I travel down one road, then I turn back around.

I’m making it all up as I go. I’m serious, I’m a clown.

I talk, but I can barely speak.

I think I’m okay, but then, I freak.

My words are winning. My words are losing.

I got it all figured out and it’s still confusing.

But, then I breathe and I’m calm again.

No matter what happens, I’ll make it to the end.

To sum up my experience so far at Baruch I chose these pictures. Not that I’m depressed or anything but these pictures are pretty accurate. Really though if you happen to see me in class 9/10 one of these will be my facial expression. Baruch itself isn’t horrible, it’s the all the work. It seems like there’s never a break in between assignments or exams. I just want to breathe, you know? When it’s not an essay due it’s a speech (which gives me perpetual anxiety) or an online quiz. Have you read those chapters for history? They are long and super boring, it takes me a million and one years to finish reading a chapter. Like can I live? No one said it would be easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard (points to the people that can name this band and song). Despite all the sadness and tears Baruch had brought me something amazing; new friends. My new friends are my cinnamon apples (more points if you know where this is from) and they brighten up my days. I laugh till I cry and I cry till I laugh. Thanks for making my experience at Baruch that much better. Bye, hope you had fun come again. 🙂

If I had to choose one image to describe my first semester at Baruch this would be it. Now, don’t get me wrong, overall I’ve enjoyed my experience at Baruch. Since I entered the school with no expectations I have been pleasantly surprised by all the amazing people I have met. I have also been learning a lot from some of my great professors. But, no matter how good I’m feeling, I always seem to end my day with this exact facial expression. It’s a mixture of feelings that include sadness, stress, and “I don’t give a fudge I’ll just become a stripper or get a sugar daddy.” The combination of the workload, studying, exams, college making me broke and the stresses of life in general takes a toll on a person. I feel like I have no time to relax because everyday there’s a new list of things that I have to do. But I guess that’s college for you. I’m going try my hardest to enjoy every second of it and not try to rush my time in Baruch like I did in high school. Although the workload stresses me out, my amazing new friends make things a bit easier to bear and I’d rather make great memories with them then stress myself over things I can’t control.

They ask me what life is but all I can answer is, I don’t know. They ask me who I am, I don’t think I know that either. My beliefs, my values, the things that shape me into who I am, will that ever be something I can answer. I’m just human. I’m just…me. So me, being me, do I know what is significant to me? What are the things that I care about? What are the things that make life worthwhile? I guess if I had to answer that question, my answer would be the people around me. Its easy to take advantage, and not notice the people that we think will always be there. But what happens when their gone? Will everything still be as fun? I don’t think it would be. There are so many things we never say just thinking they are implied, but shouldn’t we say that we want to be there, that we hope they are well, and that we care, shouldn’t I tell you that you mean the world to me, that without you I don’t know where I would be. But in case I never said it, or in case the words got lost, I just wanted to say that although you drive me completely insane you are the definition of my sanity. You are like a TV show that I watch an episode of when I should be studying for an exam. I hate you but I love you. My efforts are so fruitless, I can say the most hurtful things, I can push you away, but somehow I find that you never leave me, you always stay. This who you are and I wouldn’t change one thing. Because you are you, I can be me. Just me.

Roommates, you need them sometimes

They’re really annoying because they play music till 2 in the morning

They make the rooms dirty and nobody cleans it I hope they’re not like this when they’re thirty

I kill time with them because sometimes they can be chill

Their jokes are really dirty I hope they don’t say them in front of their folks

When I try to study they are really irritating it can get very aggravating I don’t want to fail my test

The kitchen is so messy they never clean the dishes and pasta scarce is everywhere

I can’t wait till I move out

Boredom

I get so bored sometimes.

And not just during my commute on the train.

Mostly, I get bored in my classes. I know I shouldn’t, but it happens against my will. One moment I’m taking notes on the Platonic ideal and the next… I’m somewhere else.  Anywhere other than school. Most of time, I’m picturing myself at home, watching T.V and eating all the junk food I want.

Stuck in this daydream, I manage to come down every ten seconds, give or take, so that no one suspects a thing. I wonder if it’s natural to get so bored. I feel like there’s nothing that really interests me. Maybe if my teacher dressed up in a clown costume to teach or if the lectures weren’t so long, then I’d be able to pay attention. Or maybe if zombies suddenly attack the school and we have to fight for our lives, I wouldn’t be so bored. It’d be like The Walking Dead. If only… But that’s wishful thinking.

I really can’t help it. My classes are just so boring…

I find routine in general extremely mind-numbing and just plain tedious. I get tired just thinking about how planned out my days are.

I get up at 5:30, then I leave my house at 6:30, catch the train at 6:45, and so on and so on.

It’s absolutely dull.

I’m the type of person who needs something new once in a while or else I go out of my mind. That’s probably why I never finish a T.V show unless it’s really good. And it’s probably why I get excited about something and then lose interest really quickly. Wow… it’s surprising I get anything done.

Definitely not natural… right?

Eighteen

I’m filled with nerves, excitement, and confusion
Engulfed by bundles of information
That while I thought I had instructions
Life instructions are created with no assumptions
Finding myself in a room of diverse ideologies
Talking to a face of another town, city, state, or nation
Understanding where they come from yet also hearing where they’re headed
Keeping an open mind, finding the facts
Formulating my opinions and understanding their responses

Finding myself in a room of diverse ideologies
Talking to a face of another town, city, state, or nation
Understanding where they come from yet also hearing where they’re headed
Keeping an open mind, finding the facts
Formulating my opinions and understanding their responses
Understanding the pressure yet excited of the abundance of possibilities

Flipping through pages of words that make me question
Touching, sliding, moving, hours on end
The many screens of technology
Connecting to points in a map, feeling closer and feeling farther

Yet while the world fills me with information
I am in the constant struggle to take the most in the moments of sensation
Finding the right time to talk to an old friend and laugh without care
Just give hugs and love those around me, the ones close to me

I guess what I’m getting at
Is that this year I tried to find a place in the information
To put feeling in the words on the paper
To take more out of the words on a screen
Feeling alongside the language
This required much attention

Making a point of understanding
To the cries of those outside but also the cries inside me
This led to finally accepting
While there is sorrow and hurting in the world
There’s also the same amount of laughter and happiness
I am learning not to dwell on the things I can’t change
Instead of running, trying to move slower

People aren’t all good and they aren’t all bad
I will move in and out of darkness and light all of my life
Yet a privilege to have a chance at experiencing all this much
Marking eighteen years of my existence

What did I do today?

I don’t even remember what I did.

I am too tired. I just want to sleep.

But what did I do today?

I had Math, and Com.

I don’t even remember what we learned about.

All I remember is me wanting to sleep.

Can I just switch myself and go right to sleep?

Now that I am in bed, I can’t fall asleep.

It’s too hot with a blanket on,

Too cold without.

I just want to sleep.

I can’t find a comfortable position to fall asleep in.

Ugh, now that I am in bed, why can’t I sleep?

I want to but I can’t fall asleep.

Let me check my Instagram.

Eh. Double Tap. Double Tap. Ew. Oh that’s a nice sunset. Double Tap.

Sigh, I want to sleep.

I wish I was in Bing again.

I miss it. I miss her.

Should I just transfer there?

It would be fun. But is it really worth all the hassle?

Would it be worth it in the long run?

I mean there are a lot of job opportunities and internship in the city,

But Bing does have a nice business program.

And Joyce is there too.

I miss her.

It’s hard not spending time with her every day.

I miss her smile, her hugs and kisses.

Thinking about her makes me feel happy to have her,

But sad that I am not with her.

Thanksgivings is the next time I will be able to spend time with her.

So far away.

But I can’t wait to see her.

She’s just so sweet and….. zZzzzZ.

The hardest thing about the transition from high school to college for me is time management. There just isn’t as much free time as a college student. The homework assignments from high school I could just copy in a few minutes from friends unlike the detailed assignments from college professors. Doing well on exams in college is also more important. In high school, even if I did poorly on a test I could just keep up my grades through other methods. Knowing that the bulk of my grade depends on how I score on exams really increases the pressure of performing well. This causes me to spend more time studying for them and have less time for other things.

Sleep is another factor that I have to put into time management. It used to take me around ten minutes to get to school, but now that I have to travel for over an hour to get to classes on time, I have to wake up a lot earlier. Without sufficient sleep I won’t be able to stay awake in my classes. Between the homework, sleeping and studying that I have to do for my classes I haven’t had much time to do the things I want. I feel like I haven’t been hanging out with friends as much as before. I have already declined their invites to hang out multiple times because I was too busy. They were given the option to choose their classes and get out a lot earlier than I do. Even my three day weekend doesn’t offer much free time. Fridays I usually spend time doing homework, Saturdays are spent babysitting my little cousin, and on Sundays my parents expect me to be home for dinner with the family, since it is the only day everyone is off work. I look forward to being able to set up my own schedule so I can take later classes. Starting classes later so that I can catch some sleep would be amazing.

It was easy. I guess. I practically did the same thing every day because it was all too easy. Can’t say I liked it very much and at the say time I enjoyed it. It was the same place five days a week, of course with a holiday here, there and in between this and that. We all had the same idea, just a few more months and we’re out of this school. While that was true, we all did want to leave, we didnt’ really want to go either. It was strange but understandable. We were all so comfortable going to the same classes everyday and seeing the same crap happen every single day. Now comes the real easy part. Summer came and went because I didn’t do anything worth remembering. Gonna miss that. College comes around not waiting for a soul. So we all fall back into that routine but this time its different. The people are different but they are the same. It isn’t so terrible and I its not like I expected anything but I definitely did not expect this. I actually look forward to my days to here. Classes only 4 days a week so that’s nice too. You know, the one thing I expected from myself didn’t happen either. Still not sure what I’m doing. Someone please tell me. Please.