Feelings confuse me

Not the feelings of

Happiness

Sadness

Being nervous

Excited

Those are the feelings that hits you with a label

You know where it comes from

And how to respond

You don’t have to wonder how it got there

But what about those feelings in-between

The feelings that I can’t describe

The feelings that no one can label

How do you put a label on a feeling

When you’re laying in bed

And you’re thinking

And thinking

Thinking about

Yesterday, today, tomorrow

Overthinking

Then suddenly

You can’t seem to remember when you invited these thoughts into your mind

And then the universe- that at first just consisted of you and your bed-

Seems to expand and collapse all at once

That feeling when you put on a shirt

And then a different shirt, and then something else

And you can’t decide

Whether

You hate the shirts

Or that you hate every shirt on you

When you have already realized how something will workout

But you can’t stop

Just can’t give up

It’s not that easy

It’s like wanting to deceive yourself

And you fail until the very end

That feeling

On the days that you wake up

And it’s quiet

And it’s dark outside

And you don’t know whether or not you want to try today

There are also other feelings

That I can’t label

Or describe

It’s when

When I go to prayer on Saturday mornings

And it’s still dark when I close my eyes

And while I’m in conversation

It’s something that I can’t explain

But I open my eyes to see the rays of sunshine seeping through

There is no way to fully describe

That moment I hug someone tight

And when I smile so hard

That my eyes start to tear

And cheeks begin to hurt

Words seem to escape me

When I try to explain to someone

How winter smells

And how it reminds me of when I was little

Of when I used watch my grandpa kindle the fireplace

And I would sit there for hours listening to the fire crackle and pop until I fell asleep

Feelings confuse me

I don’t understand

How something so basic

Can expand so far

And be so different

You’d think that my time in Baruch would be the most memorable part of my college experience; it makes sense, but in reality it’s my commute to and from Baruch that I find myself pondering upon the most.. It takes me around two hours to get from my house to Baruch. I wake up at 4:00 am. Before I go any further, I’d like to talk about the pain I go through to not be unconscious at that hour. In my high school years I woke up at 6:45 am, still early but manageable. I always got at least seven hours of sleep. But now, with my schedule and homework, I’m lucky if I get five.
This brings me onto my next issue, homework. Of course I was aware that college work would be challenging. I always assumed I’d somehow be able to manage it with ease. That was the most far fetched assumption I’ve ever made. I am definitely having difficulty balancing my social life with my academic life. Imagine a balance scale with a skittle on one side and a brick on the other. That is my life.
So now that that’s out of the way, I’ll go on to talk about the actual commute. One thing I suck at is punctuality. It’s just a bug I’ve had my whole life. So knowing this, you can probably guess that I am always missing my train. I kid you not, I somehow always manage to arrive just as the train is departing. And if I do manage to get onto the train, all of the seats are taken. Standing for an hour long train ride is annoying as hell, holding on to those nasty germ covered metal bars, not to mention the pins and needles you get on your feet.

Walking to Baruch is my favorite part of this journey. Passing all the stores and buildings, it’s a cool view. But one thing I’d prefer not to encounter on my walk are the “sidewalk salesmen”. I don’t know if that’s the proper terminology but you know who I mean. The dude shaking everyone’s hands, trying to push his mix-tape. Or the occasional servant of God, trying to save your soul from hellfire. You have to literally avoid eye contact with these guys because once that’s established, they suck you in for an endless presentation on whatever they’re pushing. These people I could do without. And finally, I get onto the Baruch campus and I’m safe. No more trains, subways, or mix-tapes. I can relax, until classes are over and I have to go through it all again.

My life Is in complete shambles at the moment.  I think my teachers fail to realized that I’M COMPLETELY BOOKED.  No professor I cannot complete your 10 page paper, study for your midterm, prepare a speech, take 10 online quizzes, and read about 80 pages in the textbook all in the time span and with the great quality that you want. I’m not as fabulous as I look and I have to keep up with my shows. Love and Hip Hop waits for no one. I feel stuck between waiting to do great in college and actually wanting to live my life. If I died tomorrow I’d be so upset because I feel like I did nothing but school for the majority of my life. I want to travel around the world or rob a bank or something(snitches get stitches). I want to do something that makes me feel like I’m living and I’m not just alive. I guess I just need to find that balance between work and school. Does anyone else feel like college life really isn’t for them? I love learning new things but not under the amount of pressure I feel when I’m in college. I always envisioned myself graduating college and then going on the get my masters degree but now not so much. I definitely want to graduate with my bachelors but that’s all I know for the time being. Stripping never sounded better.

Basically how my face looks the majority of the week.

And my self portrait. You’re welcome.

The transition from high school to college has been a struggle. It was such a mistake to stay in the city for college. All the friends I was used to seeing everyday went and left. It didn’t really hit me until college actually started, and the sense of loneliness set in. I was actually so unhappy with my choice to stay in the city. Being in Baruch feels too much like high school again, but without the familiar faces. Right after the first day of class, I decided that I wanted to see if I could transfer to Binghamton University for the spring term. So I literally started and made my application on August 29th. It was that bad for me.  I feel like I’m missing out on so much by going to a commuter school.

I’ve already visited my friends a couple of times at Bing, and it just seems so much better compared to Baruch. The food is cheap, the campus is nice, and the freedom is great. It also seems like it’s much easier to make friends and socialize when you dorm. I’ve already made some good friends here at Baruch, but I still feel I’d be better off going to school elsewhere.

Now I just have to do well in school and wait for their response to my application after November 1st. I really hope I get accepted.

What is a monologue?

Why am I spending a Wednesday night at 11:15pm trying to come up with a witty and clever monologue to share … in college?

Isn’t college when I start working towards a career or some shit like that? So why am I stressing out over something as petty as this? Why am I even enrolled in a class like this? Why am I even enrolled in classes that don’t even pertain to what I want to do with my life at all? Such is life in the American education system. History? The only thing that I have gotten out of that class is a lower GPA because of that midterm … thanks professor, I’ll be sure to apply my knowledge of Henry the VIII banging every woman he came into contact with when I’m filling out spreadsheets. And even then, why am I pursuing a field that I have no interest in? A 9 to 5 job, 5 days a week, doing the same thing every year is not what I imagine myself doing for the rest of my life.

By all means, some people love that routine, and if you are one of those, then more power to you. I’m jealous.

As of now, I have no idea what route to pursue. But you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m still young and shouldn’t feel this pressured to have an answer yet. So for now, I’m just going to keep working on music because at the end of the day, that is what keeps making me truly happy. If I break into the scene, then I can say I worked hard and accomplished my dreams.

And if I don’t, then I know that my life will find a way for me to end up doing something I genuinely enjoy, whether it is through a job or being surrounded by some cool people. I’ve gotten this far not knowing what to do with my life, and I can gladly say that I’m genuinely happy at this time … So that’s pretty cool.

We all went our separate ways

High school ended and my friends and I chose our own paths to walk down

Many left and went to do amazing things at amazing schools

I stayed home

Once most of them left, I felt alone and lost

It seemed as if I made a mistake

Staying home, without little change from my life in high school

I began to believe that my college decision was not going to make me happy

So many criticisms

“There’s no dorms, the commute, there is no campus life”

Everyone around me put thoughts in my head that made me truly nervous about college

After a month plus of college everything has changed for me

I have met some amazing people

People from all walks of life ready to share their story

Everyone I have met is so interesting and friendly

I am truly thankful for that because it has made the transition much easier

All of those negative comments and thoughts my peers ad about my school were wrong

I am content here and I realize this is the place for means my carrer path

Ask me who I am. Go ahead.

I said, ask me who I am!

I don’t know. I’m not the same kid I was back in highschool

I wanted to fit in with the crowd back then, but realized how stupid it was

Pretending to be something I wasn’t was waste of time.

So I met some people called “friends”. My friends accepted me, and they shaped my thoughts and character.

And after that I was invested in protecting my own sense of self and identity.

My friends believed in me, while I depended on them for confidence and trust in myself

Now I’m nothing. I’m back to square one. No friends. No identity. No trust in myself.

I don’t know who I am.

Even these new friends are different from my old ones. I don’t want to critical of them, but do it unintentionally.

My past interests need to be set aside…I need to focus on my goals now.

I have to disregard fun, and acquire currency. Get a job and pay bills. I need to let go of that naive desire of wanting a college experience.

I don’t know who I am.

I feel something else now…My sense of fun being sucked out of me as I’m being obligated to having accountability and responsibility.

I feel like I’m losing the connection I have with my friends. They’re still partying, while I’m not.

They’re not growing up, but I am. I’m growing up faster than them.

I guess that makes me an adult now.

I had always thought about this day ever since I started elementary school, but it always felt like it was so far away. Looking back on my years of school, Graduation had come so fast. I couldn’t believe that I was graduating. I had worked so hard to get good grades and build relationships with my friends, and it was all ending right then and there. My life as I knew it was about to change in 2 months. That might seem a little dramatic, but not going about my everyday routine of waking up, going to school and going to dance was a scary thought for me. I had been doing that ever since kindergarten, so I knew not having these little things was going to a big change. Graduating high school and starting college was so bittersweet to me.

The hardest thing for me to think about was leaving my family and friends. Despite being an hour and a half train ride away from home, I knew that not seeing my family everyday would be tough. They have shaped me into the person I am today and are constantly helping me overcome situations I face, and now I had to face those challenges on my own. Although there were times that they all got on my nerves, I knew I would miss them so much. I also knew that I would be able to see my family practically whenever I wanted, but that wasn’t the case with my friends. I feel that I am so lucky to say that I built so many amazing friendships in high school that I know will last for a long time. Some are close, only short train rides away, but some are attending schools hundreds of miles away. Our senior year we experienced the tragic loss of a friend, and although that was a horrible thing to experience, it really brought us all together and made us realize how much we meant to each other. I wouldn’t have wanted to go through high school without these people by my side. We all love our new schools and new lives, but there are moments when we all say, “I wish we could do this together.”

While letting go of my old life was intimidating, I also knew great things were about to happen. I have fallen in love with the city more than I thought was even possible. I can already tell that college is going to be one of the best experiences of my life, and though at times it is hard, it will definitely be well worth it. I cannot wait to build new friendships and experience different things in the city. Although leaving my life in high school behind was hard to do, I am so excited to see what great things become of my college experience.

I’ve never been able to dress right for the weather. I could look outside my window, check the Weather Channel app, or even ask my mom and I’d still end up unprepared/overprepared. I can still remember when I was an underclassman and I would have to sit on the bus with shorts or a dress on, and my thighs would scorch on the leather seats. Or, I’d ask my mom what it’s like outside, and she’d say, “bring a jacket”. Eleven times out of ten her brittle bones would exaggerate the temperature and I’d get stuck carrying my jacket around all day.

Now that I’m in college, I’m doing significantly worse. I’ll check the weather app, choose an outfit, walk outside and immediately regret it. It’s fall, so today seems like a nice day for a flannel and jeans. Wait, what? Fall in New York City can mean 73 degrees? And that it’s so hot that my glasses fog up from touching my skin? Okay, lesson learned.

Today I’ll wear a dress without tights, it’s been warm. Wait, what do you mean the weather app doesn’t account for wind? I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I flashed on the corner of 24^th and 3^rd   (seriously). Alright, I’ll try again. I’m afraid of sweating so today I’ll go for a short sleeve romper. Oh, it’s really only 60 degrees today? I promise I’m not a blue lipped corpse, I just don’t know how to dress myself yet. I guarantee in the dead of winter I will be buttoned up from head to toe, step outside, and be greeted to the warmest day of the year. I can never win with the weather. I’m either sweating or frozen, or perpetually embarrassing myself. I think my only solution is to just stay inside.

  <— me when I think it’ll be cold but it’s actually 80 degrees outside

I am stressed out. So so stressed out. I literally can not even with all this stress.

But seriously college is a lot of work. Essays here, essays there. One speech for you and one speech for you. Transitioning from high school to college has been a difficult thing to do. I know life isn’t meant to be easy but just a little rest time would be nice. The only good thing would be the friends I’ve made. When I’m feeling stressed I know they can make me laugh and make me forget for just a bit.

The gif above is my literal reaction to every day in school. Sometimes I just can’t deal with everything that’s thrown my way, but hey it is what it is. I’m looking forward to delving further into the college life. Maybe join a club, maybe being the key word. Going back to the gif up there I feel that I say this because I’m trying not to let stress get the best of me. At the end of the day what’s done is done and you can’t live life stressing over everything.

College is about learning to do things on your own and learning how to balance school with life. I’ve seen this plenty over the past few weeks. Professors aren’t here to be your friend or to hold your hand. You have to do things for yourself and learn how to deal with the workload, which is what I’m trying to do now. Hopefully soon, my reaction to a load of work won’t be panic, but more of an “I-Can-Do-This” attitude. I’ll let you know.