Did you wake up this morning thinking that you are lucky to live another day of your life? To be honest, I didn’t. I guess you could say I take it for granted that I wake up with no problem to live another normal day of my life. I don’t realize it, but I go on without appreciating every person or every little thing. I really should, because there are many people who wake up and cannot live their life how they want because they are unable to go out and do the things they love, and there are others who do not wake up to see another day. This just so happened to one of my best friend Amy Tan.

Amy was my friend in high school, and she had cancer. I remember I would always see her studying for her classes and getting involved in school, not only in her classes, but also during her free periods and even after school. She made me more determined to work hard in order to do better, and in the end all the hard work paid off. I graduated high school, passed all my classes with high grades, and I am able to go to college. I am blessed to live a great life and be able to do all this, while Amy never had the chance to. She passed during her senior year. Amy couldn’t graduate high school or even turn 17 during her time here. It was hard to see all her time, effort, and hardwork go to waste. But in the end, it wasn’t wasted. It helped me to appreciate everything and appreciate being able to wake up and live my life. She made me determined to achieve my goals and do the things she never had the chance to.

Amy taught me to be more appreciative of the things I have and of the people who are in my life, because without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

My family and friends kept me motivated and pushed me to do my best in everything, even when I doubted myself and gave up. Without them, I would not be here today and I would be lost and disappointed in myself. Also, I am blessed to grow up with shelter, food, clothes, and education. I always look at others to see what I want that I don’t have, but by doing that, I forget to look around and remember to appreciate what I already have.

I truly appreciate everything and everyone in my life, especially my friend Amy Tan.

Imagine growing up and always compared to your older sibling. Yup, I’ve been through that. “Why aren’t u as smart as your sister??!!” I always wondered when people are going to get tired of that saying. But apparently, it NEVER goes away. Even though my parents said they treat me and my sister equally, it didn’t feel like it. Everything went into her favor and she had the best of everything. I would get the left over or even second handed stuff from her.  I have absolutely no say in anything in my home because I am the “dumber” one.

I started working hard on school work in middle school but I also felt I was missing out because I only went to school, library, and back home. I was missing my friends and suddenly I was losing out on my social life.  Though I tried my hardest, it was not good enough to satisfy my parents and especially my sister. At this time I made a full 180 degrees turn and started to slack off. Having so much pressure on my back to do well took its toll on me. I was sort of depressed but thankfully my friends told me to cheer up and to laugh everything off. I took that advice and suddenly I lost interest in school.

So when something does not fall in my favor or go my way I think, “It is what it is”. Especially when my grades aren’t up to the expectations of my sister, I could really care less.

Raised under two very conservative parents who were born and raised in Korea, I was also raised to not be very creative and expressive. Up until high school, I didn’t have many hobbies unless it was what my parents forced me to learn in which they thought will be better for my future. I didn’t really enjoy them so those “hobbies” would never last long.

Ever since I was a little kid, I loved listening to music and moving my body with the music to just fool around. In middle school, I realized that I really loved to learn and practice dance moves that I would find online however I kept it to myself and no one, not even my parents or close friends, knew about it. When I went into high school, I found out about a dance club but I was too scared to audition. Finally on the last day of try outs, I felt that I would regret it if I didn’t even try so I did and I made it! When I told my parents they were were surprised and even a bit skeptical. I decided not to think much about how my parents felt but insead do what I really want. Dancing is a hobby that I’m doing because, I, not my parents, want and that really help me realize how important it is to sometimes think about yourself first. In the past, I never really thought about what would be good for me and didn’t looked for things that would make me happy and always did just what I was told to do. However, now I know that this is your life that you are living, not someone else’s, so in the end it all comes down to what you love to do and what makes you happy.

During 2011, a devastating event former altered my perspective. It was then that I found out that my father had greatly damaged three discs in his spine lifting heavy objects for a long period of time; the news stunned me. The doctor advised my dad to either have surgery or take medications to relieve the pain. He inevitably chose the latter as there were too many risks inherent in the surgery. That day I considered how life would be if my father were incapable of working, thought about how my mom would have to get a job, and imagined the new responsibilities that would emerge in the family. Angry at life, I believed dad did not deserve this cruel fate because he is a loving person who has always cared for, and placed, others before himself.

My dad does not want me to experience life as he has, performing physical labor for little recompense, so he would constantly remind me of how crucial a role education would play in my future. After two months in pain, his condition slightly improved, but he had to adjust his role at work since he could no longer lift heavy objects. I am grateful for having a person like my dad in my life because he cares deeply for me and my family: he truly embodies everything that a daughter would desire in a father.

I assisted my father at his restaurant during the summer of 2012 and that experience radically changed my perspective of the role of education in my life. Like many other teenagers, I had previously convinced myself that a superior education would secure a first-rate job without truly comprehending what it actually meant “to learn.” The feverish work required at the restaurant blew away that simplistic notion as the temperatures in the kitchen would rise as high as a hundred degrees. I can still remember how exhausted I was on the first day and I can still not believe that my father has been doing this for the past twenty-seven years. Undereducated, he had worked extensive hours for little recompense in order to earn a living and support our family. Stunned, I became conscious of the immediate reality wherein an education provides opportunities for me to better myself and does not exist as something to be taken for granted. I strongly desired to distance myself from a laborer’s world which demanded a great deal of work for little pay.

My experience with manual labor compelled me to rededicate myself to my education. I realized that a successful life would be contingent upon developing my intellectual abilities through education. Additionally, I was no longer only concerned about my work life, but also considered my future as a person. I truly believe that an education can make me a more knowledgeable person who can practically apply her learning in the real world. In the end, I only hope one day I will be able to release my father from his hardship through my newfound determination and resolution.

I regret not enjoying my childhood to the fullest.
I regret not being a good example to my younger brother.
I regret not asking for help when I needed it most.
I regret having the mentality that I can deal with everything on my own.
I regret telling people I am fine, when in reality I am not fine.
I regret being pushed to my limit.
I regret letting people tell me how I should feel.
I regret letting people walk all over me.
I regret letting my self-esteem and confidence get trampled over.
I regret not standing up for myself.
I regret putting myself down.
I regret feeling like I am not good enough.
I regret making myself sick.
I regret not being able to express my feelings the way I want to.
I regret not being a better friend.
I regret not being more understanding.
I regret acting based on an emotion.
I regret letting myself go during my junior year in high school.
I regret not trying hard enough.
I regret knowing that I gave my best but still feeling like I did not try hard enough.
I regret being such a Negative Nancy.
I regret not making more of an effort to better myself.
But there is one thing I do not regret.
I do not regret being born and meeting amazing people that helped me through all my hardships.
To those people, I would like to say thank you.

My picture might be a little confusing but what I’m trying to show is myself being in a protective bubble that is shielding me from society and all their negativity. The little figure outside the bubble represent society. Within the bubble you see these little weird figures floating above me. They are supposed to be those amazing people I mentioned in my blog post. The reason they are near my head is because they are not with me physically but their words are always with me and they are the one that help makes me strong and block out all the negativity from society. The little figure in my arms represent my mother because she is the most amazing person of them all and is also the most important person to me. She is always there for me whenever I need her and she is the person I want to thank the most. The color is supposed to represent happiness. The reason everything around me is in black and white is not because society is sad, it is because society is not something that makes me happy. Everything within the bubble is colored because everything within the bubble makes me happy.

“Tell Me What to Like”

Tell me what to like. Throughout my life, I have been told what to like. What songs were great, what movies were inspirational, what clothes were hip and other things. I would listen to songs and think “meh”. But then my friends tell me that the same songs are really good and I’ll give it a second chance. After this second chance, I enjoy it. I used to think certain clothing brands were so “cool” because other people wore it. Eventually the same people would deem the clothes to be lame and I would do so, too.

I am materialistic. I enjoy material things. When Kanye designed shoes for Louis Vuitton and Nike, I wanted them. I would gladly pay a premium to have them. Why? These shoes function just the same as others. Kanye told me to get them. Not explicitly but he had put his branding on them. After Kanye’s falling out with corportions, I don’t view how the brands the same. Maybe it’s because I care too much about what others think. Who knows…

This is a picture of me. The front-flash was too dim at night so the Tech engineer in me told me to use a flash light. This was the result. I have great ideas that don’t provide great results.

Throughout my life, it has always been hard for me to find exactly where I belonged.  I had troubled fitting in, and I went through a lot of different friends.  My friend group constantly changed.  I became friends with different types of people, all with unique personalities that varied from one another.  These people kept entering my life and then leaving my life.  It wasn’t that a problem occurred in the friendship or that a fight caused us to go our separate ways, but it was just that I always ended up drifting from a lot of these people.  I never knew why this constantly happened to me.  Drifting from people always bothered me because I’ve always cared about the relationships I have with the people in my life and I always tried to maintain them to the best of my ability.  I guess it’s that people just naturally go their own way, doing what’s best for them.  Most people don’t think and care about the relationships in their life as much as they care about their own success and advancement.  I believe that people change your life more than most think they do.  I know for a fact that the friends I made in my final years of high school, changed my life in more ways than anyone could ever imagine.

In my sophomore year, I decided to quit my dance team at my old studio and try out for a new team at a place completely unfamiliar to me.  I went out on a limb.  I didn’t know what this team would be like, how intense the dancing would be, or if I would get along with the people I would later on call my teammates.  If I never took this chance, I can honestly say I don’t know who I would be at this very moment.  The people that I met through this team are now my absolute best friends and I would not be able to picture my life without them.  I’m not sure if these people actually changed me, or if they just brought out the real me that I’ve always been too insecure to be.  I truly believe that having strong bonds with people can completely change your perspective on everything.  By becoming so close to my teammates, I valued their opinions and views so deeply.  How each of my friends looked at something, got me to think and question if what I believed was actually factual.  Not only did my teammates open my eyes on certain subjects, they brought happiness into my life as well.  There was never a dull moment when I was with my team.  I enjoyed every second of rehearsal, even the 12 hour run-throughs before competition weekend.  And if I didn’t spend enough time with these people, we were always hanging out when we weren’t at dance as well.  Having a close bond with someone is honestly one of the best things in the world.  I’m lucky to say I have that type of relationship with a whole group of incredible human beings.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”  This quote has undoubtedly reflected my emotions over the past few weeks.  The consequence for having such strong friendships is the pain one feels when having to say goodbye.  It hurts me to know that everything my life has been is never going to be that way ever again.  The ability to see the people I loved so deeply at any moment is gone.  I couldn’t just go and pick up my friends after school or see them at dance in the afternoon.  I now have to endure everyday without the people who made me who I am, and this will forever be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.

7am, first alarm sounds, “wait five minutes” I tell myself. 7:05am, second alarm rings, “just ten more minutes, I still have time”. 8am, “Holy cow, I’m late!” The funny thing is that I’m not actually late. I set my alarm an hour earlier. Technically I’m late to being early. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s me in a nutshell, you’re not supposed to understand me. I’m different and no I’m not making a 2chainz reference.

Now, I could talk about my ethnicity but it’s not hard to see I’m from Mexico and growing up in a fairly “white” neighborhood I’ve heard just about every Mexican joke in the book. Curiously I also went to a Jewish primary school; I’m catholic by the way. “It was the closest school from our home, I didn’t even know it was Jewish” my mother laughs when we talk about it now. Although I can’t really blame her, at the time she was an immigrant, who barely spoke English and worked all day.  I guess that explains why I always sang Hanukah song on Christmas; to this day I’m still catholic, just clarifying again.

And what can I say about myself: I’m a perfectionist. In the first grade I got student of the moth for September. Then came October, the second month of school, I didn’t get student of the month this time. My tiny self was confused, “I’m obviously smarter than them” I probably said to myself, it sounds a bit egocentric but I couldn’t help myself. I asked my teacher, why? She responded by saying that “we can’t always be the best, we have to give others a chance”. That was the moral of the story, but not to me. When I see the big CEO’s and the bankers I see men who were the best at their “craft” and became so successful because they were always the best. So, the first grade, that’s when I learned that we don’t need a reward or recognition to be the best. Every 100 I get on a test or that future million dollar contract I’ll sign, that will be the real proof I am “the best”.

The saying “Blood is thicker than water”, while a fact, has a deeper meaning. I’m very fortunate to say that my family is the most crucial part of my life. People tend to take their family members for granted, however, I think about how lucky I am to have the awesome family that I do, all the time. My immediate family is quite small, my older sister Rachel, my Parents, and my furry companions- my 2 two dogs. I have cousins, aunts and uncles on both sides of my family, and remarkable grandparents from my Mother’s side. Being the baby of the family, I look up to each family member and see different characteristics that I admire and aspire to attain.

My parents are what can be called the “cool” parents. I can name countless events in which my parents went above and beyond the duties of being a parent. For example, when my Dad drove into the city, from Long Island, at 2:30 in the morning, to pick me up because I didn’t feel comfortable taking the train home. Another instance occurred when I told my Mom 6 of my friends were coming over for a small BBQ. We came home to my backyard to see the table filled with food, burgers and hot dogs all ready cooked, and the table set. These are just a little peek into the numerous selfless things they do for me. There is not a secret that I tell my best friends, that I do not tell my parents. I know my parents will never judge me, and honestly, I like to keep them in the know with what is going on in my life. While most people block their parents on social networks, I not only add them but interact with them. My Dad recently got a twitter, and while most teenagers would cringe, I laughed when I found out and tweeted at him. They are both successful at what they do, my Mom being a sales manager, and my Dad being a teacher. I am constantly inspired by their drive and ambition to be better at their job. While I could go on about my Parents, there are other family members who fill my life with joy.

Siblings and the term “best friend” can often go hand in hand, and in my case this is true. Having only one sibling, my older sister Rachel, I always looked up to her, physically and emotionally, from a young age. My sister has the motivation of nobody else I know, and when she puts her mind to something she can accomplish anything. She participated in numerous prestigious research programs from a young age and always knew she wanted to be an engineer. After completing four years at Olin College of Engineering, she was offered a job at a computer coding company. She continues to make accomplishments at her job and is continually learning. My sister was never into fitness in high school, but towards her early twenties she got into running, and in a short few months she completed her first half marathon. Like my parents, I tell my sister all of my secrets and inform her of everything that goes on in my life- regardless of our distance apart.

My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Grandparents fill in the gaps of happiness. My cousins are all older than me, and therefore give me advice about everything. They’ve all graduated from college and are starting their lives as successful young adults which is very cool to watch happen before my eyes. There are no awkward age groups between us anymore, so we can relate about more things and talk about virtually anything. My uncles from my mom’s side, were actually my dad’s college buddies. This makes the relationship between my aunts and uncles much more intertwined and connected because everyone has known each other since they were young adults. As a result, when we get together, it’s one big hangout, and everyone knows each other. My grandparents came from Germany in the early 1930’s with barely any money. As time passed, they began to become successful- my Grandpa owning a handbag factory and company in New York City. Now in their early 80’s and 90’s, they continue to work, teaching the card game “Bridge” to others in their town, every monday evening. They are still physically active, my Grandpa (92), plays golf, tennis, and swims, and my Grandma (82) walks everyday. Technology is not foreign to them, they have two computers, each a cellphone, and my Grandpa even created his own Facebook account. I am fortunate to have an awesome family that lives close enough that I can see them throughout the year.

I believe that family makes a house become a home, along with the companionship of furry pets. Some of my favorite memories are laughing at the kitchen table with my family, laying in bed together watching our favorite show, or watching my dogs chase each other around the house. It saddens me to hear stories of estranged families who no longer keep in touch with one another. With the technology and social networks available to people today, there is no reason, not to keep in touch with family. It can be said that your family is forever, friends come and go. I feel very blessed to know that my family are my best friends, and that they will be there with me for all of life’s ups and downs.

I come from a family where girls are limited to what they can do and boys can do whatever they want. This mentality has had a great impact on my life. I was always told to go to school and come home right away. I couldn’t go to the park, hang out with my friends or even stay longer in school to study, but my male cousins could do all of that. I just saw this as a restriction maybe because my parents didn’t want me to mix too much with the western culture or they were just too overprotective,but being born in the United States and growing up here how could I possibly avoid it.

Due to these restrictions I couldn’t join many clubs after school and even when I joined clubs I would have to make so many excuses to come home just forty-five minutes late and be able to attend club meetings. Being in clubs made me stronger as a person and helped improve my leadership clubs. I was so involved in the club and the people around me that I  always went out of my way and did more then what was required of me to do. I panned events and made sure everything was so perfect even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to attend them. I didn’t do this for others only, but for my own satisfaction. I don’t do things for others expecting something in return. It was unfair for me because my parents wouldn’t let me attend these events even though I put so much effort into planning the events.

This impacted me socially as well. I couldn’t attend my friends birthday parties, graduation parties or even reunions.  I couldn’t even simply go to the movies with them either so I always felt left out.  Things have changed now because I go to college in the city and they know they can’t always be there for me, sometimes I am going to have to make the decisions for myself and I need my own space too. Now I can join clubs and attend the events and I am really excited because my first event is this Thursday, a party for Eid holiday.