As his illness grew, Ivan Ilyich had a repeating cycle of fear and hope. He was terrified by the idea of death and what it could do to him. He would question himself if the illness was what death really is and that death would soon happen to everyone else. He wanted to feel better as he insisted that he was the first to die but he will soon be joined by the others in his family. With all these questions and thoughts that rosed to his head, lonliness came up.
“Then what does it mean? Why? It can’t be that life is so senseless and horrible. But if it really has been so horrible and senseless, why must I die and die in agony? There is something wrong!” (Tolstoy, 775). Here, Ivan questions death and himself as he’s alone after dismissing Gerasim. He cried alone and ask why death would come with pain and suffering. He couldn’t bear the fact that he was so helpless that his daily routines needed assistance from others.
As days went by, all Ivan could do was ask Gerasim to accompany him and help him around the house. Ivan could not bear the pain of being alone that it became a fear. Gerasim soon became his attachment or his essential need. From waking up to sleeping, Gerasim had to accompany him in order to make Ivan feel as if he wasn’t alone. Ivan dreaded loneliness and he could do nothing but ask for Gerasim. How horrible is it that you’re not only suffering physically, but you’re also agonized mentally. His pain of being alone separated him from his family. His family didn’t understand the pain loneliness brought and could not help in any other way but to give him opium to ease his pain.
The thought of being lonely raised many question to Ivan throughout his sick days. Did the physical pain hurt more, or did my mental thoughts hurt more? As days went by, all he could think of was his pass and how it led to his illness. The more he thought about the pass, the more pain he would inflict upon himself. Loneliness brought pain and questions to Ivan as he comes more ill. The terror of being alone not only brought pain to Ivan, but it also changed how he view himself.
I agree that Ivan was afraid to be alone. We can see an example of this when Peter was at the house and Ivan tried to prolong his departure by giving him a task that was simple but meaningless. He asked Peter to get his medicine even though he knew it was “tomfoolery”, he was just trying to delay the inevitable. I am not completely sure why Ivan was afraid of being alone. Maybe he felt that something fatal would have happened when no one was around and he would have to suffer or even die alone. He wanted somebody around so he can rely on them if things turn for the worse. I feel that Gerasin became his attachment because he was the only one that did not cause Ivan mental distress when he was with Ivan. He made Ivan feel better and temporarily distracted him from his psychological pain. He was also the one always there to help him, whether it was get around or get comfortable when Ivan was unable to walk because of the crippling pain. Ivan could not have done anything without him.
I agree that his pain of being alone separated him from his family. I also believe that since Ivan knew that he was dying, he didn’t want to be a burden to his family and so he isolated himself from the world and that was the sole reason why he was depressed. He felt that he had let them down and therefore rejected their acts of kindness. Ivan wanted to be pitied by others, but I believe that he just wanted to just rot away and just accept the fact that death is inevitable. Because Ivan was depressed, his friends and family didn’t know what to do other than think that he was simply ill, and that he would get better over time. His family tried to comfort him but every time they would try, Ivan would respond with “no, leave me alone.” He felt that his family would be better off without him around. In the end, he ultimately felt sorry for the trouble that his family had to go through because of him and asked for their forgiveness.