I know the kind of women I am becoming. I’m not sorry but I AM pleased to inform you that I am NOT becoming that slut you think I am. Although I have learned many things from you and am appreciative of them all, let’s analyze you for a second. Answer me this question, when was the last time you set the table for breakfast or dinner or any damn meal of the day? When was the last time you washed the white clothes on a Monday and put them on a stone heap? But most importantly, when will you stop looking at me, and take a long look at the mirror and judge yourself?

Does telling me the obvious give you some type of satisfaction? The day will come in which I will no longer be around to get judged by you, and that will be the day that you will drown in your own loneliness and depression. Therefor I will be the one to tell you to make sure you clean everyday even if its with your own tears.

Remember this. The roles always change. It started off by you teaching me and telling me how to do these chores a female must do, but, when you start getting older it is I who will be teaching and telling YOU how to do these things all over again. Do you remember how to sew a button? When was the last time you folded Father’s khaki shirt and pants without a crease?

Enjoy the time that you are able to tell me all these things, but remember this the roles will change. The baker only allows certain type of women.

Why are you allowed to tell me what to do? Who put you in charge? How is it fair that I am told what to do with myself, my own body and my own life? Why am I taught only how to do household chores rather than important job skills? Why did I have to learn how to cook and wash clothes and clean the house at such a young age? Why do I have to respect men even though I have no respect for them at all? Even after treating them politely, why are they still allowed to disrespect me? Why do people think they have the right to judge me and call me a ‘slut’ when I have done nothing to harm them or affect their life? How am I expected to love a man when I am allowed to be bullied by him with no way of fighting back?

These unfair, unwritten rules that we are given only weaken us against men. From a young age, being taught that we are put here solely to be slaves to men makes us powerless. Worse than that, it discourages girls from believing, imaging and even thinking that we can be powerful and dominant. We have the power to be so strong, we simply lack the support and encouragement that boys constantly received growing up. It’s a big obstacle that we face as girls but it is important to overcome it.

You suck; you’ve always told me what to do; always told me how to live my life; always controlled my every motion; you’ve always imposed yourself onto me, why? For my sake? No, never. It has always been for your sake that you’ve imposed this robotic regimen on me. A non-ending numbing pain like a never ending sentence continued solely by semicolons, but not anymore!

I am my own person, I am intelligent and I am strong and I will not do as you tell me simply because you tell me so. I will learn and do as I see fit, and if the world sees me as you say then that is too bad for them. For I am me, not you, nor them, I am. And if I find that you happened to be right about something, or that I did not like a thing, then I will correct my actions because I decide it so. Because I want to change my actions, not because you want me to change my actions.

I have found the world far different than you have seen it. There is harshness, and cruelty in it. But not by all. I pity you now, you who has shut himself away so tightly in your little scope of reality that you are blind to the largeness of the world. It is vast and you are small. It is vast and I am big, for I see it as it is not as I would have it. For I am me, you are you, and they are them; and we are all so small.

I am trying. I keep forgetting to wash the color clothes on Tuesday, but I will remember next time. Why can’t I walk bare-head in the hot sun? I enjoy the heat the sun fills me with energy. But, yes I understand what you mean. I don’t dress like a slut. I am a lady but I do appreciate your concern, I am only 12 years old at all. And I don’t sing benna on Sundays.

Thank you for showing how to sew and don’t worry I wont be a slut.

I’m sure father will be glad I can iron his khaki shirt and pants. I have to learn how to plant too? And sweep? Okay, but why am I only learning this? What about my brother? Why do I always have to smile? I’m tired of smiling. Why do I need to know how to set the table for every time of the day? Can one simple table set suffice? But okay, I’ll do it. Wait, why do I have to please to men’s standards? I am not a slut but I can behave how I want to. I am of 18 years of age now, after all.

I have learned many things from you over the years: what to do and what not to do; A grown woman now, I appreciate the of how to make medicine. You have showed me the truth of the man. I am not a slut and I wont be a slut. Can you believe in?

And you’re right, I am a woman who will get her way and  don’t need no man to to squeeze the bread.

I know what to do. I know what not to do. You constantly mention and require that I do certain things. Even though I am sick and tired of it, I will do your chores. I will follow your instruction on what to do in public. I will listen to you when you talk to me. I will all these things but I do want some freedom.

I want to be able to make decisions on my own. I want to be free from all this housework for once. I want to learn things on my own and live my life for once. I want no more than to get one day of freedom from your instructions. Instead of saying, “this is how to hem a dress when you see the hem coming down and so to prevent yourself from looking like the slut I know you are so bent on becoming,” you should be telling me how I should go out into the world and let myself be. Instead of telling me to, “make sure it gets plenty of water or else it makes your throat itch when you are eating it,” you should let me go into the world on my own and let me grow what I want.

I am willing to follow all your instructions but I just want some freedom on my own.

I have listened to you for as long as I can remember. I have listened to you when I first started talking; I have listened to you and followed you around when I first started walking. You were someone who I looked up to, you were my role model. I trusted every word you said, and held onto every lesson you taught. But you soon started to take advantage of my lack of knowledge of the world and my naivety. You started to nit-pick everything I did and everything I said. You were never proud of me. Everything always had to be done your way or you would nag and nag and nag into the next day. You never let a simple mistake slide; the tiniest slip-up would make you angry for two whole days.

I hope you understand I have grown into a young adult. I have my own personality and begun to form my own opinions. I want to be able to speak my mind and to do things my own way. I no longer want to be told what to do or how to work on a certain chore. I should not have to be disciplined on the way I work on a certain task. I should not have to be hounded over the way I wash the clothes, or the way I cook food. I should not be demoralized by being called a slut because you do not like the sight of my outfit. I should not be looked at in disapproval for trivial mistakes like buying cotton that has gum in it or eating in a humane way. I want to be able to behave like the way other girls are able to in Sunday school. I want to smile whenever I want without having to worry if I’m smiling too much or too little. I want to be free.

What do I look like to you? An animal you train at a circus? A slave that you can freely boss around? A person that will let you push them around? I am none of those things. I am my own person. I have my own conscience and my own feelings. If you think that being a “domesticated” human will make me a proper person, you are wrong. I will learn these things but not for you. I will learn to press my own clothes, to cook my own food, to buy my own bread and dress the way I feel like. What others think of me is none of my concern and the way I want to express myself is none their concern. Singing in Sunday school doesn’t make me a slut. Wearing something other than a dress doesn’t make me a slut. It would be better to leave this place if you think I have already become a slut. If you don’t want me to be a slut, then why are you teaching me how make medicine to throw away a child. I am intelligent enough to understand who to have a baby with so there is no need for me to learn these things.

All these standards in society for women degrade their individuality. It seems like we are training young girls to live up to other’s expectations. All these things are important to learn but not just for women. Men and women both need to know how do domestic chores. Society makes it seem like abnormal when the man stays at home and the women makes the money. In today’s world, all these outdated beliefs are hindering our ability to progress as a species. We need to be more open minded but certain individuals refuse to give up their rigid mindsets.

For as long as I can remember you’ve told me exactly how to live my life. You are always telling me what I should do, and what I should not do. I know you have the best intensions and want me to grow up to be a proper lady, but you need to give me some space to learn things on my own. You keep trying to teach me how to grow up, but it doesn’t work like that.

Ill always remember things you’ve taught me like how to set the table for each meal, and the right way to smile at people I know, and people I don’t know. You’ve taught me how to sweep the house and the yard. You’ve also taught me how to make medicine for when I have a cold.

And while all these things are very helpful for the rest of my life, I need to learn some things on my own. It won’t be easy doing it on my own, but I need to do this to grow as a person.

Just know that you’ve raised me well enough to know what things are right and what is wrong. I am not going to turn into a slut because you have taught me to be better than that. I have learned so much from the things you have taught me in my life. Because of you, I know very important things about life. I also know I need to wash the whites on Monday and the colors on Tuesdays. You’ve taught me to be the kind of woman the baker will let near the bread.

You always constantly repeat yourself whether I should do this and that. Will you let me do what I want even if it is only for once? I feel like you want me to be how you want me to be. I don’t want to grow to be a person you want me to be, I want to grow as a person I would like to see myself in the future. You often accused me and tell me not to do certain things that I have never even done, like when you told me not to sing benna. “I don’t sing benna on Sundays at all and never in Sunday school.” Instead of telling me what can and cannot do, why you never tell me what is the reason I cannot do that. Is it for other people to see the way I behave so it will not embarrass you? or Is it for me? I cannot seem to find the answer without you telling me its wrong.

You are the person I look up to, the person I would like to ask advice from. All you can tell me is the thing that I must and mustn’t do. I am confused on how I should live my life. If I do whatever I want to do, you will tell me not to. But I want to. I want to figure out something without you telling me it’s not right, I want to learn from my mistake so i will not repeat the same mistake twice. I do not want to live on anybody’s expectation and high standard because I am just a girl.

I know to wash the white clothes on Monday and put them on the stone heap. I know to wash the color clothes on Tuesday and put them on the clothesline to dry I know to not walk bare-head in the hot sun and to cook pumpkin fritters in very hot sweet oil. I know to soak my little clothes right after I take them off or when buying cotton to make myself a nice blouse to be be sure that it doesn’t have gum in it because that way it won’t hold up well after a wash. I know to soak salt fish overnight before I cook it.

I know that this is how you iron father’s khaki shirt so that it doesn’t have a crease and this is how you iron your father’s khaki pants so that they don’t have a crease. I know that this is how you grow okra—far from the house, because okra tree harbors red ants and when you are growing dasheen, I know to make sure it gets plenty of water or else it makes my throat itch when I am eating it. I also know that this is how you sweep a corner and this is how you sweep a whole house.

I know that this is how to make a bread pudding, this is how to make doukona, this is how to make pepper pot and this is how to make a good medicine for a cold.

But being a slut is something that I don’t know. You’ve raised me to respect myself and respect my body. You don’t have to remind me constantly of what I could become. You can trust me. Why?

Because I know.