“Joseph?” the professor asked out loud to confirm the presence of one of the twenty plus students listed on the printed copy his roster. “Joseph?” he asked again after being left without a response the first time he asked. The entire class, myself included, looked around for the person to which this name belonged. “Alright, not here I guess” he said before he moved on to the next name on his list and pretty soon he got to them all. At first, I thought that I didn’t hear my name get called simply because I just didn’t hear him the first time. This of course was a possibility as I did have my headphones over my ears. But then I realized that I heard every other name that was called so that couldn’t have been it. It was only after I went through all the other possibilities that began to consider that the “Joseph” he was asking for a moment ago was me. So now I’m sitting in my seat wondering what had possessed this man to randomly choose my first name to be the one that he would skipped over. It wasn’t that hard to pronounce. And while I know that my name isn’t exactly common its close enough to what’s considered correct that he could’ve a least tried to guess. This was almost as bad as never getting to see my name on gift shop items.

My darkest hours are not what everyone makes them out to be

They aren’t dark to begin with, since they normally happen underneath the fluorescent lighting in a classroom

My state of mind fluctuates like tides rising and lowering

All to come crashing down when time has passed

My body aches as the blood running through my vein feels like needles

With every pulse I make, it plays as an empty picture runs through my mind

My heart pounds in between my ears as I’ve now fully entered an alternate world of hell

I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be Okay……I’m okay

The arms of anxiety swoops down and cradles me in the moments I least expect it

It indulges off of my littlest fears and thoughts so she can exploit me

She doesn’t let me eat, sleep, think, or move. I am lifeless.

She then pours my emotions down my throat and forces me to not speak a single word.

Then anxiety will pull back my hair from my ears and whisper every little mistake or worry I’ve had

I cannot help but to listen to her voice, I’m in envy of whatever she tells me. Her voice is like a clock that ticks in my mind which rewinds back to all of my memories

It’s an evil hypnosis she’s done. I recall my memories from the entire week, however she reiterates the little worries and mistakes I’ve done so far.

Tears drop to my lap as my eyes swell with the images of my pathetic self

I imagine my life without my condition

I think of a life id would’ve been able to fulfill without, a life I wouldn’t have missed out on from weeks in hospitals and hours in therapy sessions

My mother would no longer need to live through these my traumatic experience, my brother on the other hand wouldn’t have to ponder on the horrors in this world.

Spot all the red things in this room, I tell myself.

I breathe and slowly begin to try and take my mind off.

My fingers intertwine with one another as I count the sweaters, fire alarm, pencil, and shoes, as slowly as possible.

I was not born to deal with this, I tell myself.

I will not let my traumatic history define me. For I have conquered it all by being still alive today.

I will love my body till the end of time since this is the only body I’ll be able to live in.

I feel pain

But pain is only temporary.

An excerpt from Matthew McConaughey’s acceptance speech for Best Actor at the 2014 Oscars.

There’s a few things, about three things to my count, that I need each day. One I need something to look up to, another something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase. Now first off I want to thank God, because that’s who I look up to. To my family, that’s who and what I look forward to.

And to my hero, that’s who I chase. Now, when I was 15 years old, I had a very important person in my life come to me and say, “Who is your hero?” And I said I don’t know, I gotta think about that, give me a couple of weeks. I come back two weeks later, this person comes up and says “Who’s your hero?” And so I thought about it and I said you know who it is, it’s me in 10 years.

So I turn 25, 10 years later that same person comes to me and goes “so are you a hero?” And I was like, not even close. No, no, no. She said “Why?” I said because my hero is me at 35. So you see every day, every week, every month and every year of my life, my hero is always 10 years away. I’m never going to beat my hero. I’m not going to obtain that, I know I’m not. And that’s just fine with me because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing.

So, to any of us, whatever those things are, whatever that is we look up to, whatever it is we look forward to, and whoever it is we are chasing, to that I say amen. To that I say alright, alright, alright. And to that I say just keep living. Thank you.

I work at a Taco Bell. To put it simply, it’s one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. Somehow the most rude, disrespectful, and disgusting human beings make their way to Taco Bell and give me the worst of times. But although the place makes my hate for people in general grow, it has also taught me a lot of valuable lessons. For one, it’s taught me how to be patient. I’ve had customers spend 10 minutes at the drive thru window cancelling and re adding items to their order. But no matter how long it takes and how much it frustrates me, my tone has to be the same and I have to take their order with the utmost friendliness. Second, its taught me self-control, that no matter how much a customer is screaming and spitting in my face, I must not and will not ever talk back. But trust me when I say that the temptation is there. It doesn’t matter that I can think of 18 different ways to tell the customer to go fuck themselves, I keep that inside, because sometimes being a professional and an adult is the more important thing to do. And even though customers give me such a hard time, I still tie my apron around my neck and put the hat on and walk to work, and there is good reason for that. Because behind the register is a whole group of people that I no longer consider coworkers but rather, they have become friends. And these friends of mine not only make work fun, but also, they have taught me something invaluable to someone so reserved like myself. That sometimes it’s okay to rely on others. That asking for help doesn’t make you incompetent. That depending on others doesn’t make you weak. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and humility. That if you want to get anywhere in life, you can’t do it alone. Constantly relying only on yourself is a foolish thing to do. And that was something I really needed to learn. 

Bzz bzz

I wake to the brightness of my phone screen

And that blaring alarm that disrupts the most heavenly sleep I’ve ever felt

“5:25 WAKE UP NOW OR YOU’LL MISS THE TRAIN”

The day has begun.

But none the less, priorities.

I get ready and prepare to leave the house with one thing on my mind.

Something that I need to accomplish every day or I’ll face unimaginable scrutiny from my peers.

Something so essential to the success of my life both online and off.

Alas, the sunrise

“Cli-click”

The perfect angle for the perfect shot

“Good morning streaks *yellow heart emoji*

Streaks. The most pointless commitment I’ve ever made

Competing with people to see who can get the highest number,

Forcing me to come back day and night,

With no reward for my efforts

other than a fancy new emoji when we hit 100

one hundred days, of snapping back and forth.

Day by day, photo after photo;

We don’t even talk anymore.

From a pleasant conversation, to a green check and an S.

Is it worth it? You tell me.

“Goodnight streaks *purple heart*

Aaron Loffman

FRO

10/22/17

Monologue

I started playing basketball in the second grade and I’ve been playing ever since.

My older brother, although we’re not close, was the one who actually taught me how to play

Since then I played all through junior high and was part of a championship winning team

In high school, I got serious and started on my varsity team, but each time I joined a new team, I embarked on a new journey with new brothers

Being on various basketball teams is something I took for granted but definitely enjoyed and the brotherhood that is created through winning and losing with your team is an experience you never forget,

I’ll also never forget my first varsity game, as a freshman, heart pounding as I waited to be called off the bench,

Our team was up by 20 on senior night and it was time for the starters to get some rest,

I subbed in and on my first play received a pass and launched a three straight over the basket, humiliated.

I didn’t let it get me down as I kept playing and hit an easy lay-up shortly after,

and I’ll never forget my last game senior year, playing against the same team we lost to the year before, heart racing as I’m running my legs out as time runs out and the season is about to end.

We lost, but I continued to play in my gap year program in Israel going undefeated in a gap-year program league that ran on Thursday nights. Basketball will always be a significant part of my life.

A piece of Charlie Chaplin speech “The Great Dictator Speech”:

 

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone – if possible – Jew, Gentile – black man – white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness – not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost….

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men – cries out for universal brotherhood – for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world – millions of despairing men, women, and little children – victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say – do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. …..

Jaya Hamilton

October 23^rd, 2017

Relax

 

Exams, Papers, homework, readings, quizzes

Check blackboard, check CUNYfirst, and check your emails

Daily routines can easily turn into cycles

Deadlines will always exist and when you think you completed one task, you secretly know that there is more just waiting to be finished

Just know that these deadlines will always exist

But through it all find time for you

Watch that movie, work out, and find time for your friends because there will come a time when you wished you can go back and change the decisions you made at that moment

Yes, you should be on top of your work, making sure you don’t fall behind

Because there is nothing worse than feeling overwhelmed and flustered

But always know, that you are your number 1 priority

No one understands your strengths and weaknesses like you do

And you don’t have to explain them to everyone

Your daily routines can feel like a cycle

So find that special thing that will help to ease the sluggish and exhausted feeling you may have at the end of the day

Something that will start your day on a better note than the day before

Whatever it is make sure you are maintaining a balance that works for you

We may all say that we are really busy but we always manage to find time for the things we find valuable to us

Standing on the rocks watching the waves crashing down

How irresponsible they are to just go wherever they want to go

What does it all mean?

What does it stand for?

My thoughts go round and round and I realize that sometimes my thoughts come crashing down just the same

I look at the stars on this clear night

The vast openness of simple nothingness that we call space

A galaxy full of wonders, and I’m a spec of dust

What does it all mean?

What does it stand for?

I turn one way and see the couples walking hand in hand

How they look at each other and share their dreams with their eyes

A simple touch a quiet stare

What does it all mean?

What does it stands for?

I turn the other way and see the dark of the night and wonder

What am I doing here and what will I become?

Have I been a good person who has earned the right to ask for things?

Or am I irresponsible like the waves and think I can go and do whatever I want?

Or can I be the wave that stands tall, carrying life on my shoulders without crashing down?

Can I be so Responsible?

I walk in front of the building and look up.

The sign says Darul Jannah.

I walk in; it’s 10:00

Right on the dot

I look for my students, and they’re still not here.

It’s 10:10 the five troublesome students walk in.

They take out their work to complete

10 minutes later

They’re still talking and not listening to me.

One takes out his phone and starts using it.

I remember last week his dad said to use force if he doesn’t listen.

I gave him a warning.

Then grabbed his phone.

He lets go, and I fall back along with the chair.

20 minutes later

Another one pulls an e-cig out.

He stares at me straight while puffing the smoke in my direction.

I gave him a warning.

Then grabbed the e-cig.

He lets go, but I don’t fall.

The Same trick won’t work on me twice.

2 Hours later

They all leave and it’s finally done