My desire to pursue the clarinet has many sources. It ranges from my love for the instrument’s round, dark tone, to an interest in music history. It’s drawn from the gratification I get after finally nailing an impossible scale and from the feeling of pressing those silver keys down in perfect combination and time. If not for certain constraints, I would play my clarinet everyday. One hour each for individual practice, orchestra rehearsal, and jazz band rehearsal. I would have a concert every month and my ensembles would perform at state-of-the-art venues such as Avery Fischer Hall and Jazz at Lincoln Center. If I possessed the talent, I would be both a respected ensemble musician and featured soloist. If I had the time, I would study music theory and history, until I could compose or arrange music with ease. And with both talent and time, I would pour over chord progressions and harmonies and recordings until I could improvise like John Coltrane, Benny Goodman and countless others.
However I am a student and the son of an immigrant, single mother and these roles severely limit my musical pursuits. My time is consumed by writing papers, not practicing etudes; my money is eaten up by textbooks, not sheet music; my responsibilities are to my family and not just to myself. Having relied on my mom for everything these past eighteen years, I need to pursue something that will lead to sustainable, financial independence. This is a condition that I have placed upon myself and unfortunately I’m nowhere near good enough for the clarinet to make me any real money. Pursuing music would also limit the development of my academic interests, on which I place a high value. I would never learn how to analyze Hemingway’s writing in a practice room or begin to understand derivates trading by playing the Mozart Clarinet Concerto. For me, subjects such as literature and business have much broader scopes than the clarinet does. They relate to the entire human condition, whereas jazz and classical music are limited to a select group. And the education that I would be losing out on as a music student, far exceeds that of which I would gain.
This leaves me in the same place as I started: a college freshman planning to major in business. Every day I’ll read and think and write about systems of government, political theorists and economic principles – topics that have nothing to do with music. But jazz and classical music and the clarinet will still be with me. On my commute to school every day, I’ll have seventy minutes on the 6 train to put on my ipod and study Gillespie’s solos, Ella’s phrasing, and Goodman’s technique. Then on weekends I can pull out my instrument and attempt to imitate what I have been listening to on the train. And although I won’t have my clarinet with me when I go to class the next Monday, I will still know that I am a musician.
