I wrote my own monologue last Monday morning on the train before I got the assignment. It may off-topic a little bit, but that is all I want to say.
Sometimes I do think I am alone. And I hate being lonely. This may sounds a little stagy, I always tend to be a little more emotional than I usually am in all the Monday mornings when the sky is still dark like nights and I am alone by myself.
About two years ago I figured out my own way to relieve stress. walk. Just walk, with my make-ups on and with my high heels. With my headphones and with my camera. With nobody, but myself. I can walk by myself for eight hours with nearly no rest. And then I can repack up my confidence and my broken heart, start a brand new day once again.
So there was one day, I walked in the city again, I mistakenly went into a dead end, when I turned back, there was a sign said, one way. Black background, white fonts. I walked out to the cross again and I saw different people: two Caucasian girls on their way back to home, a couple of Korean brought their kid in the carriage. Some African American guys were carrying their basketball to the playground, and across the street, there is a Spanish Cafe and a Chinese restaurant. all of a sudden, I started to wonder who I am, what am I doing here. And so, and so.
Four years ago, my parents brought me here without any notification. I thought my life would be ruined since I would no longer be able to hang out with my friends in my hometown. But now, I am still fine and I have friends.
I think I am a walking contradiction.
Because whenever I see the sceneries changing outside of the window, I promise myself that one day I will leave and travel, to Paris, to Provence, to Berlin, to Tokyo. All I need is my passport and my camera, I will walk over the world by myself. I know this is unrealistic.
But sometimes I am a coward, because that’s all the reason for me to stay. I am that kind of person that always keep every old memories in mind. That was the reason why I rather stay in China than to come to a foreign country.
So, I chose to stay, in this cold city where I can still find people who I loved and people who loved me. Maybe I am not lonely as I thought I am.
There is a song from Karen Ann, I love it:
I always try to not remember rather than forget, this is why I always whisper, when pagabonds are passing by, I’d like to hear but not to listen, like to say but not to tell. This is why I always wonder, there’s nothing new under the sun, I’d like to hear but not to listen, like to say but not to tell. I tend to keep myself away from their goodbyes.
Tide will rise and fall along the bay, and I’m not going anywhere, I am not going anywhere.
People come and go and walk away, but I’m not going anywhere, I am not going anywhere.
