Author Archives: alisha.smith

My experience so far at Baruch college. In typical me fashion has had several embarrassing moments that I will either think on later and laugh about or bury in the deep recesses of my mind never to be seen again. Because I’m just talented at self-deception like that. Baruch has totally lived up to my expectations about college down to the distracted einsteinesque professor. (I just wish he weren’t quite so smelly… that was a surprise.) I’m not in the least disappointed because the college experiance is different enough from highschool so that i don’t feel cheated out of a googolplex of money. (I decided to steal that word from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which is becoming a movie CAN YOU BELEIVE THAT?? THE BOOOK WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO MOTION PICTUREIZE.. but I digress…)

My first semester at Baruch went as expected. I didn’t fail anything, people like me, I’m still an extremely weird person… which of course will put some people off of my idiosyncratic character but who needs those plebs anyway? My professors, the ones I bothered to speak with, all think I’m charming and intelligent but a lot too talkative which has been a problem with me since I started school.  I’m just a friendly person what can I say? I can’t wait for the new semester so that I can meet new people and expand my social circle because that’s always fun. If i could re-do this first semester over I think I would… unsay some embarrassing things that I have said but I’m Kind of glad I can’t because embarrassment is like … the salt in life.. it just brings all the other great flavors together.  You need it.. its necessary.

I can’t tell you if I have changed or not because I live a little too closely to myself to know all the minute changes that happen inside myself. It would be like looking under a microscope at a skin cell for several hours and then having someone ask you if the facial expression on the person whose skin cell this is has changed. It’s a pointless and self-defeating sort of thing. So that is all about me and that sort of thing… I’m almost sure this is the last time I will be blogging so lets end it dramatically shall we?

I am leaving.. never to return again.. don’t come after me, you must find it in your heart to let me go…

-Sincerely Ms A. Smith

My experience so far at Baruch college. In typical me fashion has had several embarrassing moments that I will either think on later and laugh about or bury in the deep recesses of my mind never to be seen again. Because I’m just talented at self-deception like that. Baruch has totally lived up to my expectations about college down to the distracted einsteinesque professor. (I just wish he weren’t quite so smelly… that was a surprise.) I’m not in the least disappointed because the college experiance is different enough from highschool so that i don’t feel cheated out of a googolplex of money. (I decided to steal that word from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which is becoming a movie CAN YOU BELEIVE THAT?? THE BOOOK WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO MOTION PICTUREIZE.. but I digress…)

My first semester at Baruch went as expected. I didn’t fail anything, people like me, I’m still an extremely weird person… which of course will put some people off of my idiosyncratic character but who needs those plebs anyway? My professors, the ones I bothered to speak with, all think I’m charming and intelligent but a lot too talkative which has been a problem with me since I started school.  I’m just a friendly person what can I say? I can’t wait for the new semester so that I can meet new people and expand my social circle because that’s always fun. If i could re-do this first semester over I think I would… unsay some embarrassing things that I have said but I’m Kind of glad I can’t because embarrassment is like … the salt in life.. it just brings all the other great flavors together.  You need it.. its necessary.

I can’t tell you if I have changed or not because I live a little too closely to myself to know all the minute changes that happen inside myself. It would be like looking under a microscope at a skin cell for several hours and then having someone ask you if the facial expression on the person whose skin cell this is has changed. It’s a pointless and self-defeating sort of thing. So that is all about me and that sort of thing… I’m almost sure this is the last time I will be blogging so lets end it dramatically shall we?

I am leaving.. never to return again.. don’t come after me, you must find it in your heart to let me go…

-Sincerely Ms A. Smith

Its more of a story than a monologue really. There’s actually no ‘logue about it. hmmmmm…..

 

 

I remember the day as if my mind were a bronze plate and the image had been etched into it.

As a young girl I had been bullied. Extensively

Punched, teased, spat on, followed, had my stuff stolen, and at some point I had songs composed about me. Very unfortunate songs.

This particular day the sky was cloudy and overcast and I was sitting on the bench by the red park as the students in PS80 always called it, with my friend Elijah.

Now the thing about Elijah was he was a boy, he was unpopular and he was a fourth grader.

That is to say that he would do just about anything to be in with the popular boys.

Enter Deshawn sanders.

Deshawn was the second most popular boy in school, ousted only by his twin brother Cequan.

I had a crush on him at some point.

He thought I was a complete loser.

I was completely used to this and was unbothered by the whole thing.

Meaning I went home and sobbed uncontrollably on my sister, who was older and more popular than myself (which wasn’t exactly hard seeing as I had no friends. At all. You’ll see why I’m discounting Elijah in a moment.)

back to the story

we were sitting on a flaky green bench near the red park talking about absolutely nothing when Deshawn decided to walk himself over to us.

“this your girlfriend Elijah?”

typical bully talk.

I looked down. Already embarrassed. Good thing you can’t see dark skinned people blush.

“no”

“so why are you always with her?”

“I don’t know”

I forgave him. There really isn’t anything to say in this sort of situation as a loser fourth grader. You aspire to popularity. When popularity comes over to you you try to get in with it.”

“so hit her.”

great. Just great. I continued looking at the floor. Having already forgiven Elijah. He wants to be popular just as much as I do right? Boys are physical creatures. Whatever

It didn’t even hurt really. Elijah was skinny and I was not. Fat layer comes to the rescue yet again.

Deshawn smelling my weakness like a dog grinned

All I noticed was the fact that several new teeth were growing into his lower jaw, giving him a crooked toothy look.

Like a shark.

“in the face.”

This was okay too.

Wasn’t it?

Elijah needs this. I can do this for him. Friends sacrifice for friends.

Don’t they?

The hit landed.

Suprise.

I think my vision actually sharpened because I saw everything with this clarity that was insane.

I fingered the peeling green paint of the bench. And breifly wondered about children who ate the stuff and killed themselves.

Stupid. Just like this idiot that just punched me in the face

disrespectful

unforgivable.

I hadn’t actually ever been this mad before.

I rose very smoothly to my feet.

I remember every instant.

I wrapped the coarse fibers of his dreadlocks around my fingers, yanked him off the fence and proceded to visiously pound my fist into his face. Using his hair as a handle so he couldn’t get away.

I then threw him to the ground, kicked him in the ribs, sat on top of him and pounded his face into the asphalt.

I began laughing.

It was all so stupid. Bullies, this boy, the skewed loyalty I’d had originally… so silly

we were just dumbass fourth graders in a fucked up school and no one cared.

I wondered if I was going to get in trouble for this

I didn’t care.

Elijah was screaming, I was cackling, Deshawn was standing there shocked.

I climbed off of my bloody victim, my disgust was huge. I gave him another kick in the ribs.

“and shut up.”

Elijah, sniveling, picked himself up off of the floor and ran toward the school.

Yeah, I was definately getting in trouble.

I still didn’t give a damn.

Deshawn was still standing there.

How could I have ever had a crush on him? He was so stupid looking. Like really he had that look, the lack of intelligence shining out from his eyes.

This kid had absolutely no future and I knew it.

But this isn’t a movie

this is public school

“Your next.”

and from that day forward no one ever messed with me again.