Category Archives: Blog Post 2

Fear.

Fear is the rush of adrenaline that brings in anxiety, shame, and unacceptance in a person. It would be the fear of shame that may engulf a girl like me. However, it is not the shame of fear that sends the heart pounding. Shame itself may be a subcategory of fear but it’s definition leads to vast fields of stress and hurt.

I am afraid of shame.

Fear.

Fear occurs when all eyes are on me. They only judge what they see. It’s hard to portray who I am with people if they only take one glance at me. Doesn’t it make you feel disgusted to judge someone by seeing only the differences? Doesn’t it? Well. It should. It’s a cruel and thoughtless crime. There are some people in this world that give me a chance…only to discover that it wasn’t worth it.

I am afraid of judgment.

Fear.

Fear is when I ask myself what is courage? Can someone please tell me? I really need to know. I try and I try but I hit the ground hard, getting scars on my knees and hands. I get frightened. It’s hard to have hope afterwards. I know if I have the courage to stand strong and voice out my thoughts, things will be better. Yet I can’t find my voice. I don’t know what it sounds like anymore.

I am afraid of cowardice.

I look in the mirror and I see her. I see a strong girl…a girl that has so much potential; a girl that is determined and someone who doesn’t say no to giving up no matter how difficult it is.

I lost her.

I don’t know where she is anymore.

I’m on my own.

           I am me. And who am I? I would say people call me Hua, but that doesn’t make up for who I really am. Now that I stop to think about it, I am more complicated than my one syllable name can ever indicate.         

           Sometimes I really want to figure out that I am not stupid,I know what is right or wrong for me to do, I get around,I listen to my friends, and I have family members to tell me what to do,but it is not means that I will follow their opinions definately.I know it’s becoming to keep hair shortly and neatly in summer, but I still to keep my hair too long which I think it’s cool and suit me. I know I should wear glasses when I go outside,otherwise,I could not see people or something else clearly, I am still not want glasses because I want to experience the real visual world, people may think about that I am stupid and crazy. Well, anyway, I know what is best for me, and I do not care about how other people think about me.It’s vital for my friends to understand that I am not really stupid,I want everyone  to know this is my real me.
            when I am free and get nothing to do, I always ask myself whether I am afraid to do something or do I have some good memory. Actually, I am not sure whether I feel afraid of something,Maybe, I just concern about how to get uesd to communicate with people in the public in english.  on the other hand, I usually value the moment that I play with my friends and my family,especially my girl friend, even though we have already separated.Hanging out with them just make me feel really comfortable,even if we are not doing anything, I still could enjoy being around them because they act as someone I can lean on, they are important person in my life. 
              I love my quote ” I need to take a action to be successful and never give up”. 

              I want my life to be successful so I like to engage in activities which could draw my attention with great passion.It  makes me feel better that I could have a great time during teamwork ,I know that it is important for me to develop my abilities to work together  with people around me. However,sometimes I hate myself because I would hesitate to make a decision so that I would miss the significant instant to get closer to success. On the other hand, I love tortoise who never give up even though it might fall behind the others, and it just hand on until it accesses to success in the end.I hope that I can do my best to accomplish my goals regardless of all the obstacles that will come in my way as well as tortoise.

              I am me who is more complicated than people ever indicate,I will try my best to adjust myself to make everyone around me understand me drastically.I wish that they would like me as their friend.

“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work. “Just like it says, the success will not come to you unless you work harder. I always feel energetic when I think of it. Especially when I just came to this country, I had to deal with the new language, the new culture and the new people. It was hard for me to fit in American society at the beginning, but I knew I had to work harder in order to reach my goal in this new country. I pushed myself to keep going forward, and never gave up. Finally, it helped me to reach my goal, the College.

I am a student in the Baruch College now, this is a totally new challenge for me. After one month of studying in the Baruch, I realize this challenge is not easy to handle. I have to deal with about twenty pages of reading every day, and lots of essay assignment. The class material is not easy to understand, and some readings are long and boring. It is hard to focus on that in a long time. But I realize I cannot just sit there, and do nothing. I have to be aggressive on learning. I tell myself to keep reading if I do not get it, and pay one hundred percent attention in the class.

I am extremely afraid of writing essays. I always feel dizzy when I see there is a writing assignment due soon. I am not a good writer, plus I know my paper always has tons of grammar mistakes. I feel a lot of pressure when I see this essay will decide most of my grade. So I tell myself I cannot finish it carelessly, I should go to writing center if I have the grammar issues; I have to push myself to be better. I have to work harder if I want good grade.

My family is important to me. They always support and help me whatever I do. They want the best future for me. That is why they work so had to send me to this country. They know this country will give me more and better opportunities. And I know I cannot make them disappointed so, I have to work harder, and pay them back in the future.

Life is full of obstacles, but we cannot just give up when we face the difficulty. Instead, we should work harder, and overcome it. We will have a better future, if we have a determined heart.

I always ask myself, “What is happiness?” and I always recall that I have a happy childhood. During that time, everything in my life can make me happy. The life was free form cares and worries. Everyday my little friends and I played games with each other; we could share our happiness in an easy way. When I grew up, the whole things have changed a lot. The happiness won’t be as simple as that time any longer. There are increasing troubles and decreasing happiness for me. Many things become unhappy. When I wonder what the happiness is, I cannot say a specific word to describe it. Sometimes I feel happy, that is a feeling, and it is not easy to say why I am happy.

And when I grew up, I began to be afraid of something that I am not afraid at my childhood, such as loneliness. I am afraid of being alone. It makes me feel lonely, and this feeling will make me uneasy. When I was a child, I never felt I was lonely, the little friends always stayed with me. All of us did not know the ways of the world, I thought at that time we lived in our own little world without any trouble and sadness. As time goes by, we become lonelier and lonelier in the big world.

I am also afraid of losing my family. My family is the most important thing for me. Without the family, I will feel lonely and hopeless. The family supports a home for me, the home is the place that we stay with each other, it does not need to be very big or luxurious, where we are, where our home is, and it makes me feel warm. I believe my family will not give up me forever. Everyone can give up me but they won’t. I trust them, and they trust me. We lean on each other for support. When I am sad or depressive, they will give the greatest support to me, I am very grateful, and I love my family.

I don’t know what I like best for myself, and I don’t know the reason, too. But I will try to figure it out. Now I am a college student, I think I should be more industrious. There are lot work needs to be done every day, so the biggest challenge with the school is the time management. I will try my best to work for it. Then enjoy my college life.

My life quote is “victory won’t come to me unless I go to it” said by Moore.

This quote encourages me to try my best to achieve my goals no matter under what kinds of hardship. Never stop my steps towards victory and just dream about it, because victory is the goal I set up before; only if I lower it, otherwise it cannot move, therefore the only way to get victory is I go there by myself.

I still remember when I was in elementary school in China, I did really poor at classes, especially at English class. One day, I failed the vocabulary test again, my teacher seemed like could not tolerate me anymore, and decided to call my family. Then after the class, she brought me to her office, informed me that she would make a call tonight and asked me for my home phone number. That was the first time I felt so scared for school stuff. I didn’t want my teacher to tell this to my family, maybe because I really cared about my image in my family’s hearts or something like that. Therefore I started to beg my teacher and promised her that I would definitely get 100 on the next vocabulary test by saying if I failed to do that, she could call my family at that time. My teacher really moved by me and gave me a second chance, and the result turned out that I didn’t let her down. From that time, my life changed.

I started to make higher and higher standards for my school work and wanted to achieve greater and greater victory. Three years ago, I came to New York as a sophomore in High School. I was still motivated and energetic until I realized that my efforts didn’t work so well, and then I became kind of lazy sometimes. For example, I may spend the whole day lying on my bed and watching movies without opening my text book or sleep over 12 hours just because I don’t want to get up. These things which could never happen before are happening now.

Two months ago, I attended Baruch College and became a college student. I figured out that kind of lazy always got me into trouble and made me stay up until 3 or 4am if there were some assignments would due on the next day. At that moment, my life quote jumped out of my mind again, and reminded me what I was supposed to do.

As my life quote says “victory won’t come to me unless I go to it”, I should never stop moving along the way to my victory. Just like the picture shows, if I want to win the competition, I have to run. Although I can rest a few seconds when I feel tired, I can never just stop there because resting is only for me to get ready for running again.

     Heraclitus says “Nothing is permanent except change.”  I believe this quote exactly defines my personal theme. Yes, everything is changing. One second ago, millions of old cells were got replaced inside my body. One minute ago, I was still on 23^rd   Street but I am inside the Newman Vertical campus now. One hour ago, I was at home and sitting in front of my desktop, but I am in my philosophy class now. One year ago, I was still a high school student, but I am in college now.

     Life is changing all the time. I used to have a relaxing high school life, not much pressure, without tons of reading and writing, low pacing, and easy grading. However, it can’t last forever. Now, my school life just shifts to a totally opposite side. I face lots of challenges in my college now. There is a ton of reading material for each class. The amount of reading I do in a week is like what I did in a year in my high school time. I need to devote lots of time into my school work now. I can’t catch up with such a fast pace. I am tired. Surly, I will get used to it as time goes by. But then I will be placed into a new environment, take a new role again. At the time I feel comfortable with my college life or even love it, graduation may not far from me. Then, I may struggle with my graduate school or struggle in looking for a job.

      That’s also what I am afraid of.  Changing makes unstable. Because I don’t know what is next, where the destination is. As I get closer or get used to something, it won’t last for a while. I may love and get used to my philosophy class in some days, but at the moment I love it, I may be writing my final paper and ready to say good bye to my professor. Then, we will register for lots of brand new class and struggle with them again. Life is going too fast and changing so often. More precise, it changes all the time. I am afraid of it. What I enjoy it’s what I borrow but not what I own. I can’t stay at the same spot forever, no matter how much I like it. Time keeps taking away my old stuffs and giving me the news. Maybe I need to keep growing my mind at the same time.

     Change is ahead. Don’t dream about my childhood, my secondary school life, or whatever happened in the past. Maybe I need to cherish what I have now and get ready to what is coming soon.

I notice that most of the time I am a quiet, non-talkative, a very shy person. This part of my personality is something I don’t like about myself. I believe that my shyness may affect how I handle myself, my responsibilities and situations, and about growing up. I think I would like to be stronger and braver when dealing with life when it comes to my family and college life.

My parents and family have high expectations of me. Being in a new and strange country, my family relies on me very much. I find that I need to be stronger and braver, even if not for them, but for myself. I feel a lot of pressure about all of this. I always hoped that I had an older sister, someone who could take some of the pressure off from me. It has been a real struggle for me also. I guess that I don’t want to grow up yet. I always talk to myself that I must grow up now and I must be brave and strong. Maybe it would even be helpful if I were a little less shy, but personality and character are hard to change. When I was a kid, I always hoped that I could grow up faster so my mom wouldn’t continue to nag me. As I am finally growing up right now, I find that I am really afraid. I feel more helpless being independent, dealing with life’s hardships and responsibilities. I am envious of my younger sister. I always wanted to be her because she seems to be without as much sorrow and worry. Besides my family life, I am also finding some new challenge in college life.

As I attend college now, not only I find that I have to deal with many new challenges, but also time seems to be running faster. I find that college classes, reading material, lecture, and homework make me feel exhausted. Whenever I experience this pressure and have setbacks, I always think about reverting back to being a kid. I was afraid to grow up, and not facing my life as I should as an adult.

I realize that everyone needs to grow up. I must take responsibility with my family, my school, and life in general.  My goal is to try to think positive, and accept who I am, also try to change myself. I believe that tomorrow will be bright, and life can be better every day.

What kind of person I want to be? I never stop asking myself this question, but I still cannot get a satisfied answer for myself. I think that the only way which I have a content solution through my thinking and experiences to explore the world and to pursue my own well-being.

Even though I have been in The United State for 3 years, I am afraid of speaking English in front of people or in public now. I tried to practice English to be better, but it came too slowly. No matter it will take how long time, I will persist in studying the communication skill.

What kind of challenges in Baruch College? So far, everything looks like so good for me, but still there are some problems. My biggest challenge is Philosophy class, because I really confused what are exactly the professor talk about. Even I already have prepared the lesson before the class; I also did not understand it. However, I will try my best do it. On the other hand, I am pleasure to make more friends in the college. They always help me with enthusiasm and give me a power and encourage when I have troubles. I really appreciate your guys from bottom of my heart.

As the image shows that my personal quote is “Never ever give up”. The quote always reminds me that keep perseverance to do anything when I fall into the dilemma every time. It inspires me to believe that tomorrow will be better because the sunshine always come out after the stormy rain

I see myself is weak and indecisive wherever I have dilemmas. What if I don’t have that fear, would I be able to solve the problem anyway or even worse? What happened in the last three years has made the person I am right now, but now I can shape my future.

I like being around with my friends, but at the same time, I like being alone and enjoy the quiet. Sometimes, I am ambivalent. I could not tell the reason but I am looking forward to finding it. I am afraid of change, but I also don’t like have repetitive life style. I am the kind of person who live my life depends on my mood. I like thinking because I can found it helpful for me to plan everything. I like to schedule things in mind and arrange them in order.

I am happy to come to New York City and be a student at Baruch College. Here I found many friends and learned a lot from them. I spent a lot of time with my high school friends in the last two years and I have been able to develop a strong friendship with them. I see myself I have to try everything which will enrich my life. I am dedicated to make myself a better person, no matter how long it takes.

What am I afraid of? The first thing I would definitely say it is height! I realized I have fear of height since I was a child in China. I am afraid of losing my track on work; I am afraid of living without ambition and dream.  I believe in myself, not to regret what I had missed in the past but look for a better future.

If I make it, we all make it.

A monologue that will never make the Tonight Show, but Conan can’t handle this anyways.

Me.  My name is Leandros Katsigeras.  I was born on April 11, 1993, which means that I’m an Aries.  I guess rams are cool.  I’m 6’4” and I weigh 200 pounds.  I used to be 250 pounds but I lost a lot of weight and my appearance changed dramatically.  Most people say that looks don’t matter, but they really do.  The amount of people that “noticed me” and started talking to me after my Biggest Loser transformation was insane.  Anyways, I’m Greek and Colombian.  Yes, I speak three languages.  No, I am not a drug dealer and I don’t own a diner.  I’d say that I used to be more connected to my Greek side, but now I’ve gotten more in touch with my Spanish side thanks to my girlfriend.  Okay, I also have a brother, Nicholas. He is my best friend.  The countless amount of inside jokes and telepathic conversations make us, us.

Great public speakers are speakers who are able to connect to the crowd through their words, rather than actions.  They allow us to feel emotion.  They connect with us in a way that makes us feel like we’re not alone.  Time stands still and we are able to look up to that person.  In that moment of time, they are our leader.

Yes, I did not make transition at all if that’s what you’re wondering.  I don’t care though.  It’s my monologue.

Everyone has the potential to make a change and contribute something to the world.

To overcome any obstacle, determination and creative thinking is simply needed.

I keep my composure and don’t feel any fear.

Yet again, a bunch of random statements have made their way into my monologue, but go with it.  How about this for a closing sentence?

I don’t want comfort.  I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness.  I want sin.